March 10, 2005
Anyone who's flown into Hawaii knows all about the Mandatory Declaration form. One side is the state Department of Agriculture form where you list any plants or animals you're bringing into the state. Flip it over and you have the state Department of Business, Economic Development & Tourism's not-so mandatory questionnaire about the purpose of your visit. Recently Maui Time obtained a secret draft of a new form state officials are considering that would save time and effort by combining the two forms into one. Here are some of the proposed questions:
1. I will be in Hawaii for:
A) A few hours
B) Three days and two nights
C) A week
D) As long as Daddy's money holds out
2. Where will you stay in Hawaii?
B) That new timeshare they just put up
C) My own home
D) Friend's home
E) Stranger's home
G) Cane field
H) My attorney advises me not to answer this question
3. I am:
A) A first time visitor to Hawaii
D) A Hawaiian resident
C) The newest member of the Witness Protection Program
D) A fruit smuggler
E) Really cranky after such a long flight and wish this was the last question
4. I will be staying on:
A) Oahu (Waikiki, Pearl Harbor, strip clubs)
B) Maui (Haleakala, Ka'anapali, honey- mooners)
C) Big Island (the one with the volcanoes)
D) Kauai (The one that still looks like Hawaii)
E) Molokai (the leper one)
F) Lanai (the only one left you can visit)
5. Are you still reading this?
6. I have the following animals in my possession and/or baggage:
C) Big Cats
G) My pet Preying Mantis Edmund
I) All of the above
J) None of the above
K) A and D
7. I have the following fruits in my possession and/or baggage:
D) Those tiny orange-like things
E) All of the above
F) Like I'm really going to tell you, Mr.
Illegal Fruit Inspector
8. If you checked B above, can I have one?
C) Only if you tell me where to buy one of
them hula girl lamps
9. What do you intend to do with this form?
A) Fill it out because I'm a wuss who always
obeys "the law"
B) Fill it out because the flight attendant
looked at me funny when I tried to stuff it
in the seat pocket
C) Pretend to fill it out, but then hide it
under the blanket
D) I'm sorry, we just landed. Too late! MTW
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