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Funny Page
Ask a Kapalua Press Release
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September 01, 2005
Dear Kapalua Press Release,
My Aunt Gladys recently passed away, and I just found out that she left me a tidy sum of money in her will. That's great, but she also left me her 17 cats, 12 goldfish, 7 parakeets and her pet Komodo Dragon Eustace. Any ideas how I can unload that zoo without spending all my inheritance?
-Grieving but grossed-out
Dear Grieving,
(MAUI, Hawai'i)—To greatly enhance golfers' overall experience, The Bay, The Village and The Plantation courses at Kapalua Resort now feature the ProLink Global Positioning Satellite ("GPS") system used at many of the world's most famous golf courses.
The upscale, state-of-the-art ProLink GPS boasts a high-resolution, color monitor neatly affixed to each golf cart. It displays pinpoint-accurate distances to the hole, as well as vibrant and easy-to-understand graphics of fairways and greens' hazards and contours. Better navigating the course and taking guesswork out of the game aids golfers' shot selections and, in turn, speeds pace of play at Kapalua Resort's three premier courses. Other features include ordering food and beverage at the touch of a button while on the course, as well as personal scoring and tournament leaderboards.
Dear Kapalua Press Release,
I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what to do. The other night I was out with some of the guys and we got a little drunk and decided to go to a strip club. I'd never been to one before, so I decided to tag along. Anyway, we were there about five minutes when I realized that the chick dancing on the pole was my girlfriend. She saw me, completely freaked out and ran offstage. I felt really bad about it, especially after the guys and I finally left three hours later. I just don't know what to say to her. Any ideas?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
In addition to game-improvement and enjoyment features for golfers, ProLink has become a necessary marketing and management tool for courses and resorts like Kapalua to quickly realize revenue increases and bottom-line savings. The no-hassle, reliable and robust ProLink GPS system enhances and benefits: food-and-beverage sales; green and cart fees; innovative and unobtrusive on-screen advertising for local businesses and course merchandise, tournaments and memberships; optimal tee-sheet yield; and enables courses to market a competitive advantage to secure more golf rounds from new and repeat players.
Dear Kapalua Press Release,
Are you, like, alive? Because if you're not, this is really creeping me out.
-Queasy
Dear Queasy,
Via ProLink's "solutions-based" approach, Kapalua Resort will be able to streamline operations, including more effective management of tournaments and outings, as well as cost savings from staff, yardage books and cart wear-and-tear efficiencies. From a central computer and two-way instant-message system, clubhouse staff can issue golfers "speed-up-play" and inclement-weather notices. ProLink's medical assistance call button gives great comfort to on-course golfers as it allows for quicker reaction to medical emergencies. MTW
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