This Week's Horoscope
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
September 22, 2005
The word Libra is Latin for "balance." But unless you know that, it's not the first thing that springs to mind when you hear the word. For instance, some people think of a certain cocktail. Personally, I recall the French word for "free," which is spelled differently but pronounced similarly. Ironically, you're hardly the most free folk in the zodiac; that whole balance thing means safety and responsibility often take precedence over absolute freedom. Nevertheless, my alternative interpretation is appropriate because of what you can do for others this week: free them. Someone's counting on you to help them escape an insidious trap only you can properly see. Please don't let them down.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
You've got a metaphorical hard-on that just won't quit. You can't go to the doctor for this spiritual Viagra overdose, though. What to do about it? Your eagerness (and ability) to perform is obvious to everyone nearby, so subtlety is sort of out of the question. Raising your hand to volunteer would be redundant (and just imagine the humiliation if you weren't chosen). Here's what you do: Step up to the plate before anyone else has a chance to. Announce that you'll be doing the job at hand unless someone else thinks they can do it better. No one'll take on that light saber duel, so your embarrassment is (mostly) averted and you're on to the task you're so obviously cut out to do.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
If you're flush with ideas, a blank canvas feels like a promise. When you're less than inspired, though, it's more like a prison sentence. The universe isn't exerting much pressure on you at the moment; you're sort of faced with your life as a blank page. What will you do with all that creative freedom? Whether the prospect fills you with dread or excitement, I can only guess. However, I hope you don't waste this time paralyzed by indecision fueled by the absence or superfluity of ideas. Your respite from just reacting to what happens won't last long, so quit stalling. Get out there and experiment, now.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
In the UK, they weigh each other using the unit "stone," which automatically makes everything sound terribly heavy to Americans. It reminds me of all the kinds of semantic angles you're propagating right now. They're completely accurate, but they present the facts in such a way that people get entirely the wrong impression. So you're putting a spin on something. Big deal. That's what you do. What I don't get is: why are you spinning things to make yourself look so crappy? Is it your old habits of self-sabotage kicking in? Whatever the reason, cut that shit out, stat.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
Why are you sometimes so lame about keeping in touch with distant friends? I can't believe someone with a brain as big as yours could be subject to the old "out of sight, out of mind" cliche. So what's up? Do you really think they've moved on, just because they've moved away? Or are you just lazy? I'm pretty sure it's the latter, and while I don't want to shame you—we've all been lame about this stuff at times—I do want to give you a good kick in the ass. Don't put it off longer; this is a good week to efficiently and richly communicate with all those buddies you no longer get to see.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Even you would think my apartment is messy right now. I've been doing a bit of traveling and a lot of procrastinating and so the mess and disorganization has really built up. What I lack that you don't, however, is an ability to be at ease amongst chaos. It actively bugs me, but you've managed to function amid bedlam and disarray your whole life. While you can appreciate cleanliness and serenity, you don't absolutely require them. There may come a time this week when all around you are effectively incapacitated by too many unknown variables. Recognize it for what it is: your turn to roll up your sleeves, wade into the disorder, and shine.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
While one of those you love can't exactly put his stamp of approval on what you're up to, he also can't stop you. Screw him, right? His opinion doesn't really matter does it? Does it? All these other folk are egging you on, but you can't shake the idea that he might have a point. It's not necessarily a happy or popular point, but it may still be valid. It's a sign of maturity when you learn to listen to smart people say things you don't like. Will your desires stand up to that kind of scrutiny and questioning, or crumble like the immature whims they're accused of being?
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
Something I love about you is your secret pursuit of quirky private goals. For instance, your recent attempt to make the lightest, flakiest scones around, or to read the dictionary, cover-to-cover, in your spare time, or to drive home using the brakes as little as safely possible. These whimsical objectives are adorable; why hide them? Keeping hush-hush about them is starting to look a bit shady to those not in the know. Why allow suspicion to fester around something so essentially harmless and cute? Come clean about your idiosyncrasies. Ironically, that'll lead to you having more time and space to pursue them.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
Your credibility's shaky right now. I know that's not fair, because a couple of your recent flakeouts were truly unavoidable and had nothing to do with you. But still—you've bagged on more things than you've come through on during the past couple weeks. Therefore you have to be really careful right now to try to improve your batting average: Absolutely don't say things you don't mean, or make even casual, offhand promises you can't keep. It's not fair for anyone to write you off on the basis of life's recent out-of-control events. But they don't really know you, and suspect you might be a big flake. You've got one chance left to prove them wrong. Don't blow it.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
You're trying to squeeze yourself into a space that's just too small. Okay, maybe it would be big enough if you were more fluid and could assume any shape, which is how you got the idea that you might be able to fit. But please, give it up; it's not going to happen. No matter how much weight you lose or how many limbs you bend backwards in an attempt to conform to the shape of the space provided, in the end you'll never be able to squash your whole self inside. Spare yourself the discomfort and possible injury by giving up now. Either the box you're supposed to cram yourself into has got to expand and change, or you've got to walk away.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
It may seem as if you're being opposed—that someone is actively working to thwart you in one of your most important goals. But please look closer. It's true his or her methods are not yours. They do look, on the surface, as if they're intended to mess you up. Maybe, in some cases, that is the intention. But the effect is the same—what's going on will actually help you out. Either your opponents are so clumsy in their attempts to foil you that they'll make things easier for you, or they're secretly on your side and just working in a phenomenally different manner. Stop fighting them. Let them do their thing, since it is, ultimately, your thing.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
Virgos either think too much or do too much. Usually, you come to the conclusion early on in life that doing is less dangerous and more useful than thinking, so you tend to focus primarily on that, keeping yourself more busy than any two non-Virgos you know. And thinking has certainly become no less dangerous now than it's ever been. But it might nevertheless be useful. I'm not talking about the kind of detailed over-analysis you've engaged in before. However, an objective hour-long logical strip-down of the situation could get you further than whole days of mad sprinting ever could.
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