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Holoholo Girl
The Advice Column
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May 18, 2006
Everyone knows it's easier to dish out advice than to take it. And
that it's also easier to give advice to friends than to follow your
own. So I thought I'd maybe try to consult myself with dilemmas I've
had in the past with the knowledge I've gained in the years since. Hey,
now I'm older, wiser and way more debauched—I mean, experienced—so why
shouldn't I follow my own advice?
Dear Holoholo Girl,
I like a boy in my class. He is
super fine. But he doesn't even know I exist. I sent him a secret
Valentine once but he just crumpled it up, lifted the lid on his desk
and threw it inside. Sometimes I wait for him after school but when he
comes out, he and his friends just hop on their Huffy dirt bikes and
nearly run me over, cackling like hyenas. The Sadie Hawkins dance is
coming up and I want him to go with me, because I just know we're going
to get married someday. We're, like, totally destined 2 B 2-gether
4-ever. But first, how do I get him to notice me?
-Seriously Crushing, 1982
Dear SC '82,
It's been my experience that guys, like monkeys, respond most to
irregular bouts of affection interspersed with being ignored
completely. It's okay to show him you're interested but then walk away
and do the pogo on your own. And it's possible he may never come around
but so what? Unrequited love is as old as the hills. It's also the
stuff of great art. Literature, film and music have all benefited from
the longing, unmet gaze of burning desire. Where would the world be
without Dante's The Divine Comedy, King Kong
and the blues? Ah, but this is, like, totally not helping you right
now, is it? It's been said that love not reciprocated can lead to
depression, anxiety, mood swings and stalking. But I say, all that
lovelorn torture builds character. So get 'em, girl! Keep rockin' that
side-ponytail and frosted pink lipstick and he'll either come around,
or you could be part of the next great American epic—like Monica
Lewinski!
Dear Holoholo Girl,
My boyfriend is constantly trying to get
me to have a threesome with him and one of my girlfriends—or really,
just any girl. I'm not opposed to the idea but going for my science
degree at UC Santa Cruz has me busy with schoolwork. Plus, I've failed
my first class—chemistry—not just once but three humiliating times. I
fear between my boyfriend's pressuring, my mom's bragging to her
friends about my impending "doctor" status, coinciding with my suddenly
discouraging scientific ineptitude, maybe I won't be able to please
everyone and this is disappointing to me. Plus, the chicks here don't
shave and I find that slightly unattractive, not to mention unsanitary.
-Scholastically Cracking, 1994
Dear SC '94,
While excessive partying and risque socializing in college is to be
expected, it sounds like you should be focusing more on the
experimenting in your chemistry lab and less in your personal
dysfunctional relationship. If he's trying to help you experience more
of life in a balance between the scholastic and the sensual, that's one
thing. But if he's withholding his love and support for his own selfish
gains while holding you back from your potential career, that's
entirely another. Besides, who the hell has a boyfriend while they're
going to college anyway? What the hell were you thinking??
Dear Holoholo Girl,
I finally have a job I love—hurray! But
while my mother has accepted the fact that I may not ever get married
or have children, I am deeply disturbed by this knowledge. What if
she's right? I am happily single, but everywhere I look, success seems
to be measured by how closely we achieve the (I believe) outdated
American Dream: career, marriage, house, kids, and obscure kitchen
utensils. Who says life can't be fulfilling without all that baggage?
- Single & Carefree (?), 2006
Dear SC '06,
I'm not sure what the question is here. But it sounds like YOU are
the one who needs to accept how your life is and that you have ultimate
control over the amount of happiness and "success" you achieve. And you
may find that the conditions for happiness change over time—but that's
okay. Maybe this year it's a Prada purse and a week barhopping in New
York City, next year it's a house in the country and a colored
bullterrier named "Rufus." Nobody, not even your mom, can ultimately
judge how fulfilling your life is to you.
Samantha Campos has a provocative
new line of Aldous Huxley-inspired underwear called Bare New World that
is a big hit on the runways in Saskatchewan. MTW
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