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Funny Page
A Father and His Son
Talking about Father's Day
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June 15, 2006
In the interests of fostering good father/child relations, given that Father's Day is this Sunday, June 18, here's a transcript of a recent, rather touching telephone conversation I had with my dad—our first in nearly two years:
DAD: Hello?
MICK E. FINN: Hi, Dad. It's your son, Mick.
As opposed to who, my other son Igor? Mick, you're my only son. In fact, you're the only guy I know whose name is Mick.
Glad to hear from you too, Dad. How are things?
What do you mean, how are things? You know how things are. I just saw you 15 minutes ago in the living room.
Well, yeah, sure, if you want to get technical.
Say, that reminds me—are you gonna take out the garbage like I asked you to? Look, your mother and I are letting you live here rent-free, but that doesn't mean you can just mooch off us like some gutless parasite. You know, your mother and I worked our asses off to get you a good education, into a good college, and then you graduate with that, well, I guess you call it a "degree" in women's studies—I mean, what were you thinking? That it was just a great way to meet girls? I suppose I have no one to blame for you laying around the house all day like a sponge… [inaudible]
I'm sorry Dad, can you speak louder? The tape machine sometimes doesn't pick it up when you mumble.
What, are you recording this?
Um, well, yeah, I mean…
What are you, some kind of National Security Agency stooge? Gonna turn in your old man to the Fed and get some big reward?
Dad…
Want me to admit on tape that I stole those files from the office last year? Because I didn't, you know. I happen to know who did, but I've already sworn to take that little piece of knowledge to my grave.
Okay, Dad, hold on-
Oh wait, I know—you're trying to get me to spill the beans on the old Conway Case! I tell you, I thought that house was abandoned!
Dad, Jesus! I just wanted to record a loving conversation between you and I.
Oh man… Father's Day is coming up, isn't it?
Yes!
Why can't you just get me a necktie like every other son in America? Or, better yet—how about taking out the garbage like I asked?
Dad, wouldn't you rather have a real expression of our love that you can listen to over and over for the rest of your life?
So you're not going to take out the garbage?
I knew you'd understand. Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Yeah, yeah. Say, you know where your mother went? MTW
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