You Oughta Know
August 24, 2006
I get the biggest thrill out of going out and meeting you people. Seriously! But I am noticing that a lot of you are asking the same things, over and over again. So rather than repeat myself, I'm going to answer some of your most common questions.
Hey, I'm a writer/photographer/graphic artist! Can I get a job at Maui Time Weekly?
Absolutely! Just send us your resume and the answers to the following three questions: 1) Who directed that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo learns to shave? 2) What role does the Internet play in the future of print media? 3) Are you hot? (Please include photo.)
Who writes Eh Brah? And why is it always so negative?
If we told you, we'd have to kill you. Frankly we just don't have that kind of time. It's always negative because the anonymous people who write in are mad, really mad, and we don't want to piss them off by saying anything "positive" or "happy" to dilute their message of pure, unadulterated malcontent.
What's it like working for a newspaper?
What's it like? Hmm… well, there's the hard reporting, you know, like when the Editor sends me out on assignment to interview an eccentric upcountry artist who's making penis molds out of dirt, saliva and human feces. And there's the even harder reporting, like when I have to sift through pages of MySpace profiles, listening to hours of some band's "uplifting and inspirational" blend of dancehall, acid house and electronic Serbian chamber music. But really, working for a newspaper is best exemplified by the following memo the head honcho sent out last week:
"Because I'm the editor or something I've been spending too much time thinking about the way we spell the name Hawaii in our paper. We've been spelling it Hawai'i (that's an apostrophe in between each "i") but I think we should actually be spelling it Hawai`i (using that accent mark thing that is on the key with that squiggle mark located on the extreme left corner of the keyboard directly beneath the esc key. I've noticed other papers do the spelling this way, though I wish I could say why.
Anyway, unless you have objections, I think we should begin making this spelling change this week. Please let me know if you're okay with this or if you think I've gone mad with power.
That is all."
Do you really do all those things you write about? Is it difficult to come up with a column week after week? And do you really drink that much?
Yes, yes and more. Much, much more.
Who is "MTW" and why does he/she have their initials at the bottom of every story?
Ah, yes—the late, great MTW. You see, MTW stands for Michael Thomas Worchester, who helped found Maui Times [sic] in 1892 and served as its first editor. I'm told he was a brooding chap, given to binges of naked, drunken croquet playing, when he wasn't busy collecting outmoded dental equipment and making Faulkner-esque pontifications on the role of evil and corruption in the plight of the Populist Party. As an editor, Worchester adhered to strict rules of satire and sarcasm, always maintaining that no story uncovered in the quest for truth and justice should be devoid of a superfluous use of conjunctions and definitive articles. So now, we honor him by placing his initials at the end of each and every story that follows his time-honored, trusted guidelines.
Did you just make that last part up?
Samantha Campos is evil, really evil, and she will eat your head to prove it. MTW
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