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Chris Isaak
A play in one act
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October 19, 2006
SAMANTHA: Hey Krista, what do you know about Chris Isaak? I've got to write a story about him and I don't know what to say.
KRISTA: Other than that one song that was on MTV with the hot model, nothing.
ANTHONY: I hated that black
and white video. He was trying too hard. He was always moaning and
really… how do I put this? It's like, "Look at me, I'm sensitive! Look
at me, I've got a hot Asian chick I'm sleeping with!"
SAMANTHA: The girl in the video isn't Asian.
ANTHONY: No, but I think in real life he had a hot Asian girlfriend.
SAMANTHA: How do you know that?
ANTHONY: Because years ago
a colleague of mine had a huge crush on him and then she saw him out in
public and he was casually dismissive and then she hated him.
JEN: Wasn't he a one-hit wonder? I'm trying to remember the name but a Roxy Music song keeps coming to mind.
SAMANTHA: Actually, no.
He's had a lot of hits. But everybody always just remembers that one
video on the beach. He even had, like, a TV show—I think it was called
The Chris Isaak Show or something.
ANTHONY: Was it on public access?
SAMANTHA: No! It was either
on cable or one of the major networks. It was a variety show, I
believe. I think I know quite a bit about him 'cause he's from the Bay
Area. And he's funny. Oh, and I know he used to live with his mom.
ANTHONY: I used to live with my mom, too. But that was, like, over a decade ago.
SAMANTHA: Well, he was living with his mom as an adult when he was, uh…
ANTHONY: Overexposed?
SAMANTHA: Popular! But a big deal was made about it and how it made him such a humble guy.
ANTHONY: Yeah, that also repulsed me. It's like, "Look at me, I'm humble! Look at me, I'm a superstar!"
SAMANTHA: It was a good song! It was called, "Wicked Game." And he wasn't moaning.
ANTHONY: That's right, yes
it was. But it seemed to go on forever. It sounded like he was in pain.
I think it was his conscience—he knew he was a fraud.
SAMANTHA: Why do you despise him?
ANTHONY: Who said I despised him?
SAMANTHA: Whatever. I think he's hot. And he's multi-talented.
ANTHONY: Didn't he make one
of those shows that came out about the moon landing where he played an
astronaut? I'm gonna look that up right now.
[Short pause while ANTHONY runs back to his office. Two minutes later he returns.]
ANTHONY: It was a mini series called From the Earth to the Moon, produced by Tom Hanks. I think it was on HBO. He played an astronaut. And he played a SWAT officer in the Silence of the Lambs.
SAMANTHA [ignoring ANTHONY as TOMMY walks in]: Tommy, you know anything about Chris Isaak?
TOMMY: I know a lot about
Chris Isaak! He's a one-hit wonder. You know why I don't like him? He
wears that little country boy tie thing.
SAMANTHA: You mean a bolero tie? You hate him because of a bolero tie? Everybody wore those back in the late '80s, early '90s.
TOMMY: How about the
pompadour? That cowboy vest? The chiseled manly good looks coming out
of someone so wimpy? And didn't he do a bunch of crappy movie cameos?
ANTHONY: He was in Silence of the Lambs.
TOMMY: See?
SAMANTHA: That's not a crappy movie.
TOMMY: No, but his cameo might've been.
SAMANTHA: Hey Joey, what do you know about Chris Isaak?
JOEY: I know he had that
hot girl from the Guess ads in that one video. And that his Showtime
show was mildly entertaining. It was supposed to be like a guys'
version of Sex and the City,
talking about dating and stuff, but anybody who knows anything about
guys knows that we're not interested in talking about that stuff.
SAMANTHA: Maybe he's sensitive.
JOEY: I think he just tries to play it off like he's sensitive but he's really a hound dog.
[BRAD walks in.]
BRAD: Who's a hound dog?
JOEY: Chris Isaak.
BRAD: Oh, he's awesome!
I've seen him a bunch of times. Back in the day, he wore a mirror-ball
suit—it was fucking awesome! He comes out, playing his guitar, and then
the lights shine on him. It was kind of his shtick. But he's an awesome
performer, and a great guy. After one of his shows, he did a "meet and
greet" backstage, signing autographs and talking to people—he even gave
my wife a hug. And he's hilarious, too.
WENDY: I like Chris Isaak,
too. He has such a unique, strong voice. I saw him once in L.A. at the
House of Blues. I have his autograph on a CD somewhere…
BRAD: He's, like, the shit. And he's in that last John Waters' movie, A Dirty Shame. And he's, like, the Bakersfield guy.
ANTHONY: No, he's from Stockton.
SAMANTHA: How do YOU know that?
ANTHONY: I just looked him up.
SAMANTHA: Oh. I was born in Bakersfield, you know.
TOMMY: You were born in Bakersfield? You've never claimed that before!
BRAD: Nobody claims that!
Except for Buck Owens. But no, I mean Chris Isaak's got that
Bakersfield sound. He plays that classic rockabilly thing. But he's
done some bad movies, too, like Little Buddha. And I didn't like his TV show. I just didn't get it.
TOMMY: Hey, does anybody know if that one big church is doing their Halloween thing this year? MTW
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