I Would Like to Thank… Me!
March 01, 2007
I really enjoy awards shows. The ridiculous red carpet mania, the
thank you speeches, the loser-cam spans to the audience—I truly love it
all. But I missed the this year's 79th annual Academy Awards and I feel
like an asshole about it. So, to compensate, I am devising my own
ceremony, hereby deemed "The First Annual Sammy Awards." Below are some
fine movies that really didn't get any damn recognition anyway so
here's my affectionate little two-finger salute to the Academy.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A ROLE WHERE SHE HAS TO PLAY AN ADULT
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S ONLY, LIKE, 12 AND HAS TO PRETEND SHE REALLY, REALLY
WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THE UNATTRACTIVE, WAAAY OLDER (HE'S, LIKE, 30!) GUY
ABOUT TO CHEAT ON HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND
Rachel Bilson, "The Last Kiss"
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR SO HOT YOU REALLY DON'T CARE HOW WEIRD OR DEPRESSING THE MOVIE IS
Gael Garcia Bernal,"The Science of Sleep"
BEST DOCUMENTARY EXPLORING THE CULTURAL RELEVANCE OF HUMANITY AS A
WHOLE WHILE ALSO EXPLAINING THE FUCKEDUPETRY OF AMERICANS IN GENERAL
Tie: "F**k" and "Beerfest"
BEST DIRECTOR WHO WILL MOST LIKELY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEAR OR AT THE VERY LEAST WILL NEVER MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE AGAIN
Kirby Dick, "This Film is Not Yet Rated"
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM THAT SHOULD REALLY HAVE SUBTITLES BUT IT
DOESN'T 'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE, ALL OHHH… LOOK AT US… WE SPEAK THE ORIGINAL
ENGLISH LANGUAGE OR WHATEVER—STILL, IT'S A VERY GOOD FILM
"Kinky Boots," UK
BEST UNORIGINAL SCREENPLAY BUT A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR PEOPLE TO GET
TOGETHER SO THEY CAN BREAK UP IN PUBLIC AND OOPS, HEY, WE JUST PROMOTED
OUR OWN MOVIE!
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM THAT MAKES YOU WANNA STICK A FORK IN YOUR
EYE IF YOU HEAR "KISS/HEARTBREAK HOTEL" ONE MORE TIME… OR EVEN JUST ONE
BEST SCORE AND ART DIRECTION
"Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man"
BEST LACK OF COSTUME DESIGN… HEH HEH
"The Notorious Bettie Page"
BEST MAKEUP/VISUAL EFFECTS FOR MAKING DANNY DEVITO ACTUALLY SEEM
LIKE THE MOST VIABLE REASON FOR PARKER POSEY TO FINALLY HAVE AN
"The OH in Ohio"
Yeah, Parker Posey. Definitely.
Samantha Campos may or may not be doing unmentionable things in Las Vegas on her birthday this weekend. MTW
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