My Great A.S.S.
March 29, 2007
Blessed is the person who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot
The results are in. Not counting the surprising number of you
I saw out who had to mention how you still have yet to turn in your
mind-blowing answers to my Great American Sex Survey (Mar. 8, 2007), I gleaned much
from those who followed through and… submitted… to my sexual inquisition.
To you, I throw Kama Sutra honey dust over your toes and applaud
your high Libido Quotient. There were more surprises than not here and,
lucky for you, I am the type to kiss and tell.
Nearly twice as many women as men responded—further proving my theory that women are more, uh, responsive sexually—however, men were more forthcoming in providing additional commentary with their answers.
Yes, this is will be an innuendo-laden column. Protect yourself.
Of the straight women who responded—about 60 percent of my readers,
apparently—you're across the board in varying degrees of relationship
status. Those not married prefer condoms; my gay and straight married
women don't find the need at all. And all of you have cheated at some
point, although at least one of you decrees that if both victims know,
it's not necessarily "cheating." Another sees it as no reason to quit
Sock it to 'em, sister!
Those of you straight girls who are in a relationship or married
mostly find your sex lives exciting and fulfilling. This is delightful
news. Also, most of you don't find the need for casual sex anymore,
given how you stock up on those Costco-sized battery packs. And this
info just gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling as well: you're not only down
with the motion lotion and dildos, you wanna know why I didn't mention
the handcuffs and vibrating cockrings.
Sigh. Yeah, me, too.
Now, my gay sisters say they never fake orgasms. Don't worry, I'll
be getting the 411 on those workshops they'll be conducting later.
Just as titillating? The knowledge that ALL you girls had, or would
have, sex on the first date, given the right circumstances. No pressure
But the best news of all, the tidbit that doesn't shock as much as
it tickles me in that one spot I'll never tell, is that nearly all you
gals—gay, straight or bisexual only when drunk—prefer to have sex at
least once a day. Cue the trumpet.
"Quality" is the predictable common key to great sex, with "variety"
following close behind—ouch—for both sexes. Still predictably, a few
more women wouldn't mind a bit more passion—men, more quantity—to beef up their time in the sack.
And as for my brave and studly men, those of you who are committed
also find your sex lives exciting and fulfilling. Gay or straight, a
surprising number of you—the majority, in fact—say you've never cheated
in a relationship, but have been cheated on. And every last one of you
has an adult video or 20 in your toy chest.
Can we pause for the crickets here?
Anyway, you men are a bit more tolerant when it comes to the need
for casual sex—even given the limitations and possible television
coverage if you live on the Westside—and yet, you're unbelievably
divided when it comes to having sex on the first date. Still, like your
fellow non-fellows, you'd prefer the coitus at least once a day.
Can we all please get on the same page now, people?
So to all my dear readers for sharing these intimate details with me about your lives in bed, once again, spank you very much.
Samantha Campos has no idea if 100
percent medical-grade silicone composition, with a flexible but firm
silicone core and a wonderful Vixskin silicone outer shell, gives and
squishes like the real deal. MTW
|Entertainment and lifestyle news for Maui, Hawaii and the surrounding Islands. Maui Time Weekly is Mauis only independent and locally owned newspaper.
Mail this link to a friend|