Calling Mr. Johnson
April 12, 2007
As far as I am concerned, being any gender is a drag.
Women have all kinds of issues about their bodies. We're not worthy
somehow if we're not stick thin with a huge perky rack and a round,
tight ass. And even then, we could stand to plump our lips, narrow our
nose, lose those wrinkles, stretch marks, cellulite, etc. Blame it on
the magazines, Hollywood, and chicks from Argentina—but actually, we're
not alone. It turns out men also have their own body image
I know this 'cause I've been asking around lately. Over the past
couple weeks, whenever I found myself in the company of a suave,
sophisticated gentleman—or one of my guy friends—the repartee would go
something like this:
"Hi, Holoholo Girl! How are you?"
"I'm great, thanks! How's your penis?"
Thankfully, nobody took my innocent inquisition as an
opportunity for show and tell. And men seem to be pretty comfortable
talking about their sex pistol; it's obviously a subject they've
thought a lot about.
What I found out is that most men grew up feeling exactly the same
way—that their penis could be bigger. Of course, this was irrational.
According to a Kinsey Institute study, the average length is six
inches; in a study by the University of California at San Francisco,
the average erect penis measured 5.2 inches.
Eventually the men I talked to gave up their enlargement surgery
fantasies, and either learned to compensate for their size in other
ways—by becoming more attentive and creative lovers, hallelujah!—but
learned to love and accept their johnson for the superschlong of love
that it is.
"I love my penis," said one. "It is perfect in every way."
"I have no issues now," said another. "Aside from the fact that it
has a mind of its own and never thinks it gets quite enough attention."
But the surprising thing about how guys feel about their bodies is
that most do have nagging concerns, and like us women, it's mostly to
do with weight and aging. Not so much the huge rack.
"The only real issue I have is with my stomach," said one
30-something guy. "I hate it sometimes, and sometimes I embrace it as I
would a Buddha's on the mantle. It's all fueled by the same crap women
have to deal with—the incessant media image brainwashing that tells us
what's beautiful: six-pack abs, big tits, small asses, and so on.
Although I really would look hot with, like, 15 lbs. less around my
"Body image for me would be more wrapped up in the aging process,"
said another guy, this one in his 40's. "The fact that [my son]
continues to steal my hair, weird nagging injuries preventing me from
doing things I used to do physically, getting softer around my
center—that sort of stuff."
"I hate the way I look in pictures," said another 30-something dude.
"But for some reason when I see myself in a mirror I think I look just
fine. I'm not too happy with my gut—in fact, my weight in
general—but then again I've always felt I was too heavy. I
also grow hair on the edges of my ears and I hate that, someday I will
get electrolysis on that to be done with it, but for now I shave
or wax them to keep them hair free."
Samantha Campos doesn't know where the natto comes from but thinks she could learn to love it. MTW
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