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May 21, 2009
CAN'T STOMACH IT
Convicted Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols, now serving a life sentence in the Florence, Colo., "Supermax" prison, filed a 39-page federal lawsuit in March alleging unconstitutional "cruel and unusual punishment" because the refined-food, low-fiber meals give him "chronic constipation [and] bleeding hemorrhoids." He demanded fresh raw vegetables and other high-fiber foods, necessary to "keep one's body (i.e., God's holy temple) in good health."
WATER THEY THINKING
Recently, the Washington Supreme Court ruled that Seattle had for two years improperly charged water customers for servicing hydrants when the city should have covered the service from general tax funds, and it ordered customer refunds averaging $45. However, Seattle then discovered it had insufficient general funds to pay for hydrant service and thus imposed a water surcharge of $59 per customer, according to a February KOMO-TV report. The most likely reason the surcharge was higher is that the city had to pay $4.2 million to the attorneys who filed the account-shuffling lawsuit.
PORNING IN AMERICA
After three years of providing worker-training grants to a San Francisco-area multimedia coalition that includes a maker of sexualized torture videos, the California Employment Training Panel cut off funding in April, claiming that it had not realized the nature of what an outfit called "Kink.com" does. The coalition protested the panel's decision, pointing out that Kink is a law-abiding, tax-paying entity that employs 100 local people and keeps California adult video "competitive in the international marketplace" by training employees in video editing, Photoshop and other multimedia skills. A typical Kink.com production may feature paid, consenting women bound, gagged and supposedly electrically shocked.
BREAST IN SHOW
In April at a gallery in London, Mexican artist Raul Ortega Ayala's exhibit opened with the customary hors d'oeuvres for visitors. However, since Ayala's work specializes in the roles that food play in our lives, he served cheese made from human breast milk, to "explor[e] our first encounter with food emphasizing its territoriality and boundaries." He said his next piece would go the other way, with 10 menus showing what "presidents, public figures, mass murderers and cave men" ate just before dying.
HERO TO ZERO
East St. Louis, Ill., policeman Kristopher Weston apprehended a murder suspect about 20 minutes after the crime in April, which was such a nice piece of police work that the mayor called Weston before the city council to commend him. Five minutes after Weston left the room, the council got down to regular business, the first order of which was to approve a list of police and firefighter layoffs due to budget shortfalls—and on the list because of low seniority was Officer Kristopher Weston.
DRIVING WHILE OLD
An 89-year-old man accidentally crashed into his wife in a parking lot in Greenville, S.C. (April)… An 88-year-old man accidentally drove through the front window of a restaurant in Redondo Beach, Calif., injuring five (March)… An 85-year-old woman, on her way to take her driver's test, accidentally crashed into the building that houses the licensing office in Schram City, Ill. (February)… An 82-year-old woman accidentally drove into the Indulgence Salon in Prescott Valley, Ariz., while trying to park (May)… A man in his 80s, arriving at a Subaru dealer in Town of McCandless, Pa., for service, accidentally crashed into the showroom (April)… An 80-year-old woman, backing out of a parking space, accidentally sped out instead, hitting six cars and ramming a building in Indianapolis (February).
IF THE SUE FITS
Shreepriya Gopalan filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in San Diego in April against Microsoft, Google, Apple, Saks Fifth Avenue, McDonalds, Starbucks, Subway, Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Chase Bank, Verizon, AT&T and 47 other U.S. corporations, claiming that he actually owns the companies based on the Chinese divination system I Ching, which he said he invented when he was "15 or 16" years old. "These companies were I Chinged in through a metaphysical layer created and owned by me," he wrote. But he added that "unfortunately" he lacks paperwork to document his claims and asks the court's help.
INCOMPETENT CRIMINALS
(1) Remo Spencer, who works at the Wal-Mart in Great Falls, Mont., was arrested in April and charged with stealing eight laptop computers and seven iPods from the store's inventory. He aroused suspicion when he offered those items for sale on Wal-Mart's employee bulletin board. (2) A 22-year-old man was hospitalized in Wilmington, N.C., in December after stiffing a taxicab driver. The man had bolted from the cab without paying, but the driver simply drove after the fleeing thief and rammed him. MTW
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