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September 24, 2009 UNDEAD ON ARRIVAL
If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more threatening than virulent diseases because they can regenerate (unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was the researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older movies, but in recent fiction, they're super-quick, making them nearly invincible.
WE BRIT YOU NOT
(1) In June, the Peterborough City Council ordered retirees who come together for weekly coffee at the public library to give up hot drinks, in case one accidentally spilled on a child. (2) In July the Dagenham Pool in Essex, citing (according to the manager) drowning risks, banned swimmers from doing "lengths" and forced them instead to swim "widths." (3) In June the Brighton and Hove City Council ordered nature-lover Hilaire Purbrick, 45, out of the cave that has been his residence for 16 years, citing its lack of a "fire exit."
BACKWARD PROGRESS
In April, the Pelham, Mass. Board of Selectmen notified residents that it proposed to "alter a [four-mile] portion of Amherst Road" and needed their co-operation. The board said the road, in service with exactly the same contour since 1822, must better conform to what Amherst Road looked like on an 1822 map. Thus, some property owners along the route were asked to cede some rights to the government to un-modernize the road.
DOMESTIC UNREST
(1) A couple fought with each other using water, mouthwash and powdered whey protein (Bremerton, Wash., July). (2) A wife repeatedly punched her husband and then, as officers arrived, pulled him inside the house by his ear (Niceville, Fla., August). (3) A 78-year-old woman kicked her husband in the groin several times recently because she believes he had an affair 35 years ago (Lynnwood, Wash., May).
WHAT WILL PETA MAKE OF THIS?
In August, Jorge Iglesias petitioned a judge in Madison, Wis., to regain custody of his 66 roosters and hens that police confiscated in a suspected cockfighting raid. Iglesias said he feared that the Dane County Humane Society, temporarily holding the animals, was treating them with "cruel and barbaric" abuse.
WEATHER, OR NOT
Geography professor Melanie Patton Renfrew, 54, was convicted in Burbank, Calif., in August of violating a judge's order to stop stalking KNBC-TV weatherman Fritz Coleman. Renfrew had badgered Coleman for two years, via e-mail and telephone calls, about his "error" in terminology, confusing "onshore" winds with "offshore" winds. Coleman, she insisted, needed to apologize. "Offshore" winds blow out to sea; "onshore" winds blow in.
INCOMPETENT CRIMINALS
Lisa Newsome, 42, was arrested in Zachary, La., in August, caught trying to smuggle a 24-can case of beer out of a convenience store. The heavyset, housecoat-clad Newsome was squeezing the 20-pound case between her legs as she waddled from the cooler toward the front door. When police arrived, Newsome offered to pull up the dress to demonstrate how she carried the case, but, said a police captain: "I told her, no thanks. I wasn't into that." Maui Time Weekly, Chuck Shepherd
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