Unhappy Endings

2010-06-24 Columns



photo: Illustration by Ron Pitts.

June 23, 2010 | 03:08 PM

So this is how it's supposed to go: I take you out, buy you a nice dinner, engage in some good conversation, then we go back to my place and see where it leads. You don't have to put out, but I'd expect at least the courtesy of a make-out session after dropping $170 on food and drinks. Does this make me sound like a John and you like a prostitute? Maybe. But hey, you gotta give to get. Next time, if it's gonna be a peck on the cheek and "goodnight," let's go Dutch.

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Hahaha...Good 4 U
June 24, 2010 | 02:42 PM

Why you spend so much $$ anyways? Don't men know that it doesn't take spending a lot of $$ to impress us? But if that's the kind of girl you like, then blame urself and not her. ANd what the hell is up with that line.. "You gotta give to get"? hahahaha...YOU GAVE, AND SHE GOT. And she got all $170 of it too, you CHUMP!

Dum ur ass!
Hahaha...Good 4 U
June 24, 2010 | 02:42 PM

Why you spend so much $$ anyways? Don't men know that it doesn't take spending a lot of $$ to impress us? But if that's the kind of girl you like, then blame urself and not her. ANd what the hell is up with that line.. "You gotta give to get"? hahahaha...YOU GAVE, AND SHE GOT. And she got all $170 of it too, you CHUMP!

Dum ur ass!
I am afraid i agree
June 24, 2010 | 05:33 PM

UM..yeah, I am afraid you are a bit pathetic. Your attitude is bound to make you unhappy. I would be embarrassed to shell out $170 on a woman on maui, just to make out with her. That isn't how slutty women operate--they have unprotected sex with unemployed pig hunters living with auntie. Not with you, dumbass.

Lahaina 69'er
Be a man! That's what she wants.
June 25, 2010 | 05:58 AM

The courtesy of a make out session? Are you for real? Next time you want some action, don't wait around for her to spell it out for you, make her feel good, like a woman, and you will have all you can handle. Make your move and don't ask for permission, she will let you know way before you get her back to your place whether she is interested or not. Be a man, she will appreciate it. Don't play pat-a-cake. Soft music, low lights and you interested only in her, THAT will make it happen for you.
Why do I feel like I am wasting my breath spelling it out for you?

Bill
Gotta show these bitches...
June 25, 2010 | 08:13 AM

Seriously bro, why even bother with any of that? What usually works for me is some good ol' GHB or even a thud to the side of the head. Once they're out, then the real fun begins. I agree with Bill, don't ask for permission, once you've decided to act, her willingness to participate is a foregone conclusion. Be sure to have everything you need for an evening of fun as she might awake mid-session, if so, then another thud, or hopefully by then you have her tied up and ball-gagged. This is a sure fire way to succeed without the expense of dinner or time wasted in boring redundant conversation. Trust me, it does get easier with time and practice. Good luck.

Boom Boom
Boom Boom - you strange
June 25, 2010 | 11:55 AM

Well that is just scary, what kind of weirdo are you anyways? Sicko local brah! Dating is just that, who says sex has to be involved? If you want sex, find someone who wants it to, they call it "friends with benefits". If you are all that you think you are, some girl will go for it. If not, then you have some work to do. Maybe take some weight lifting classes, or perhaps etiquette classes and women might find you more attractive. And $170 for dinner? What did you fly to Oahu for dinner? That's some spendy meal.

Happily married for 33 years, to the same man!
Club Koa
June 25, 2010 | 07:15 PM

Go to Club Koa on Lower Main in Wailuku, or any of the other "hostess bars" and "karaoke pubs" down there in Happy Valley area. Get a real prostitute, fresh off the plane from Korea. She love you long time. Long enough, anyway.

Come and get me, G.I.
I dated her, too
June 27, 2010 | 08:51 PM

I had the same experience with the same woman! I didn't want to spend $200 on dinner, but she kept ordering and ordering! And, you know, it is hard to run up that kind of tab at an okazu-ya in Wailuku. After a while, I just let her keep it up because I curious how many bowls of saimin can this wahine put away? And one huli-huli chicken after another. And, like, half a dozen haupia. And the whole time, she keeps yakking about how spiritual she is, how respected she is in the community, how she is a master kumu this and kahu that, how she is the caretaker of mother earth, how she is tight with all the big-name spiritual celebrities on the island like Alan Cohen and Woody Allen, etc. etc. And I am just thinking, "I'd really better be getting a *lot* of pussy after listening to all this." And you know what? At the end, she stiffed me! (Or, rather, she didn't let me stiff her.) A peck on the cheek, and some BS about how I was "vibrating" at a "frequency" that was "in harmony" with "the ancient ones." Yeah, yeah, yeah, lady; vibrate in harmony with this ancient one, O-KAY??

No way I am going out with her again. Well, maybe. But next time, it is dutch, and if she puts out I'll reimburse her half of the bill.

Not gonna ask Leiohu Ryder out again evah
sucks to be you
June 27, 2010 | 09:51 PM

but once you done striking out .. go ahead and pass that dutch to tha left hand side .. I get the spark she needs

only a rooster gets a better piece of chicken
only a tool would think this way..
June 29, 2010 | 04:09 PM

You tool, I have always refrained from leading guys on because I don't think its fair or nice or lady like, but after reading this, I realize that no one should give anything away with the expectation of getting anything in return, if you want to make a trade, go buy yourself a prostitute, or at least verbalize what a tool you are at the beginning of the date, that way the lady can have her chance to get away from you or take advantage of you because you because deserve it.

Really
Let's roleplay, "Really"
June 30, 2010 | 12:19 PM

Ok, "really", I would like to live up to your advice. Help me by role-playing a little bit.

It is the beginning of the date, and we near Paia. I pull the car into Ho'okipa scenic point, for a romantic sunset behind Kahakuloa. I murmur to you, "We can go to Mama's Fish House, or we can go for spam musubi in the quickie-mart. I am, frankly, a bit of a tool, but innocent and awkward around women in an endearingly cute way. I am willing to spend upwards of $150 on dinner. If I do, this is how it's supposed to go: I take you out, buy you a nice dinner, engage in some good conversation, then we go back to my place and see where it leads. You don't have to put out, but I'd expect at least the courtesy of a make-out session. Does this make me sound like a John and you like a prostitute? Maybe. But hey, you gotta give to get."

OK, your turn

What would "really" say now?
Role-Play Response
June 30, 2010 | 11:30 PM

If some kane said that to me, i would say what I always tell 'em:

"Uncle, you just keep the champagne and caviar coming, and I guarantee you a night you won't soon forget. Does that make you a John and me a prostitute? Maybe, maybe not. I am here to bring you the divine gift of the feminine. I am the caretaker of mother nature, and I know how to take care of my man! I know protocols that you'll want to pass down to your children and grandchildren (if only!) Maui has been raped by colonizers, but you won't have to rape this waa wahine. By the time I get through with you, you'll be vibrating in harmony with the spirit of the universe..with a great big smile on your face!"

Lei'ohu "Reverse Cowboy" Ryder

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