June 13, 2012 | 10:53 AMGemini (May 21-June 20)
I dreamt I was an incompetent witch last night. My broom sputtered and lurched as I flew. I tried to zap electronic yokes from the necks of unicorns held in thrall, but my expectantly pointed finger yielded no spark. Attacked by the harsh, whip-wielding herdmaster, I wove a spell, which fizzled and withered like a dud firecracker. This dream has relevance to you because, like me, a lot of your actions have felt powerless, and some of them have even backfired, lately. Also like me, the only real solution is to laugh, heartily, at yourself, and have faith things will improve.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
For someone who's so good at taking care of other people, you sure are lousy at nurturing yourself sometimes. My heart goes out to you during those trying moments of life, when a major crisis (or two or three) rears its ugly head. It makes me want to just wrap my arms around you, call in sick to work for you and stroke your head, telling you everything is going to be okay. Because it is. Not only are there people standing by to help you pick up the slack (you need only ask), but there are several strong astrological indicators that tell me–-and now you–-that you're going to be just fine.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I half expect you to soar in on your broom handle, wicked-witch style, crashing through a window with dramatic grace. Hurling fireballs and curses, you ought to find yourself the worshipped object of dozens of observers. See, darkness is in. And while your brand of tireless goodness and honesty has its advocates (including myself), I'm invested in keeping your tribe at peak effectiveness–-which means updating your methods. These days, you're bound to accomplish a lot more through creative mischief and inspired cynicism than through innocent goodwill. I'm not expecting you to advocate real evil (as if you would), but brandishing the delightful kind of pretend evil we all revel in every Halloween will do wonders to help your image, and your impact, too.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
There's lots of math in nature. Just look at pinecones, seashells, even patterns in the sand made by changing tides. It's human constructions that are fraught with chaos, despite their rigid attempts at order and control. Living in a city makes it obvious—despite all the straight lines, right angles, and flat surfaces, it's actually a very disordered place. Lately your head has seemed a little too much like a skyscraper, and not enough like a tree. Instead of forcing thoughts to spike towards the sky like a spear or a missile, can you allow them to grow gracefully towards it, making an allowance for some of the forces that surround you?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The Bible's not the only place that mentions the Great Flood. Many stories worldwide tell of this mythic calamity. According to New Age folklore, the continents of the fabled ancient civilizations, Atlantis and Lemuria, didn't sink—they were submerged by the Flood and all evidence of their existence erased by the incredible power of forty days and nights of rain. The bad news: You're in the middle of your own Great Flood. The good news: The continent of your greatest weakness is being covered so entirely that by the time the sun cracks the clouds on the forty-first day, all memory of its actuality will be completely washed away.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You old blowhard! No, I mean that in the best way—you're practically a force of nature this week. In fact, you have so much primitive, elemental power at your disposal you might have trouble deciding what form to take. Wonder Twin powers, activate! Your energy could take a focused shape, like a time-eating, villain-pursuing alligator, or a bolt of righteous lightning. Or, you could choose a more general form, like a hurricane, or a life-giving desert rain. As an earthquake, you'd measure at least 6.9 on the Richter scale. Now that you've been declared a temporary deity, what shape will your life-changing whimsies take? I guess it depends on who you'd like to worship you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It's all going to be okay. I've noticed that as long as you hear this periodically, things really are okay. It doesn't matter if the sentiment is sincere. It's true as soon as you decide it is. That's why I'm thrilled to share with you the truth about your current situation: You're exactly where you're supposed to be. You're also way cooler than you think you are, even when you act dorky or do stupid shit. Whenever you next run face-first into a glass door know this—it's just practice for the skill that'll serve you best in the months to come: laughing at yourself.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You've spent years living in your head, Cap. Sometimes I think you're happier there. But there's a vast audience clamoring for you to make an appearance. Emerge from backstage, if only for a cameo. The standing ovation I expect you'll receive should whet your taste for applause. You're always putting off your brilliance for "the right moment." I hate to destroy this cherished illusion–-but for most of us, the right moment is whenever we create it. You'll have an easier time creating your first tentative openings to display your dreamy genius this week than you ever have before. Shine!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Most of the Aquarians I know believe in ghosts. Faeries, witches and monsters under the bed are no big stretch for members of your clan, either. You're used to dwelling in the realm of the possible, the land of hope and dread. Rationality and hard science are your uneasy allies at best and sworn foes at worst this week. I encourage you–-don't doubt yourself. You know what you know, and you now have the power to make it real. The realm of the possible has just expanded–-it now includes anything and everything you set your mind to.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Every energy-conversion system involves some waste, or loss of energy. It's a law of physics. But you're incredibly effective at converting thought into action this week. Three trips to the gym will practically have you lifting cars, an hour on the Internet will enable you to effortlessly recite hilarious filth for the amusement of all your companions, and a visit to the church of your choice may almost be grounds for canonization. The only things, in fact, that don't seem to be operating at superhuman levels are your decision-making skills. Cut out the equivocation and just make up your mind, already.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I admire your strength. It's almost a shame to tell you that the world you're hefting around on your eminently capable shoulders has an orbit of its own and doesn't actually need carrying. That's right—this huge burden that's been exhausting you and slowing your steps to a weary stagger isn't actually yours. It doesn't even belong to someone else—it's the kind of weight you can just let go of. So what are you waiting for? Just drop the thing and get the hell out of the way. Then go get ice cream or something. You deserve it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Even Bulls who must slave like Cinderellas never give up hope of fairy godmothers, rich, generous uncles, winning lottery tickets or other magical reversals of fortune. It's human nature to wish for unlikely windfalls, even though you cynically know they're highly unlikely. The bad news is, you're not due for another surprise inheritance or karma-free miracle for at least another two or three months. The good news is, you're now uniquely empowered to grant your own wishes, be your own fairy godmother and ignore all rules or limitations regarding your assets turning into pumpkins at midnight.
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