Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

– Scott Adams, cartoonist



I’ve never placed a personals ad. Call me chicken but I just never imagined myself having to—or what I would call “resorting” to—solicit potential suitors by using a few well-manicured lines of prose explaining years of cultivated personality characteristics and a painfully battered-down list of my most basic desires.

LIE TO ME

Single white female—well, actually, single Hispanic female but I don’t really speak Spanish… um, that is to say, I do speak Spanish but my verb conjugations are atrocious and sometimes my accent is a little embarrassing—5’3” with brown eyes and black hair, seeks tall, dark and handsome—no, no, scratch that… I’m really not that superficial and I don’t have a type, despite what my friends seem to think about my “fleshy white men” and “bad boys who wear glasses.” So let’s just say I’m seeking an intelligent (but not a know-it-all—nobody likes a know-it-all), honest (mmm… on second thought, honesty is overrated. Just go ahead and keep some of the ugly stuff to yourself, ‘k?), funny (but, like, not the caustic or obnoxious kind. Laughing is good, but turning beet-red while you’re running from the enraged street crowd that has formed around your date doing impressions of Bobcat Goldthwait is not good), compassionate (it’s cute if you listen and “share” your feelings, not cute if you’re wanting me to constantly tell you about my day and “hold” you and shit), creative—but no musicians, writers, artists, poets, tattoo artists, videographers, photographers, sculptors, glass-blowers or deejays, please…

Yeah, it’s kinda impossible. And how do I let my unsuspecting daters know that I’m a really just a moody, neurotic, hypersensitive, high-strung, wishy-washy, melancholic, sarcastic workaholic and still get positive results?

HERE I AM

Your passionate, artistic, empathetic Pisces dream girl is waiting to fulfill your every need. I’ll make it my duty to create the perfect love den of your choice, so that we can wile away the day watching old movies and basking in the glory of our sweet loooooove...

Oh, hell. I can’t do this. I mean, aren’t all these ads just cheating anyway? Seriously. How can you put into a few, short lines and phrases everything that makes up you? How can you substitute words for the natural act of meeting someone you know nothing about, maybe getting up the courage to say something clever to them, having them refreshingly not say anything stupid back so that you decide you might actually like them, then perhaps setting up a date, followed by another date, where you learn more about each other and eventually, say really mean things you’ll end up regretting mere months later?

Yeah, that’s real romance.

I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH

When you wake up, do you reach for the bong? Do you have a habit of misplacing your phone, keys, car, money, work/gig schedule and ability to remember my name in bed? Do you yearn for someone to listen to endless stories of your band’s journey to greatness? Did you move to Maui because there are lots of hot chicks in bikinis, you wouldn’t have to get a “real” job and you could surf all day? If you say “yes” to your ex-girlfriend as much as you do to the above questions, call me. But please, make it collect.

Samantha Campos would appreciate you sending your favorite cranberry sauce recipes to sam@mauitime.com. MTW