Dear Holoholo Girl,



I like a boy in my class. He is

super fine. But he doesn't even know I exist. I sent him a secret

Valentine once but he just crumpled it up, lifted the lid on his desk

and threw it inside. Sometimes I wait for him after school but when he

comes out, he and his friends just hop on their Huffy dirt bikes and

nearly run me over, cackling like hyenas. The Sadie Hawkins dance is

coming up and I want him to go with me, because I just know we're going

to get married someday. We're, like, totally destined 2 B 2-gether

4-ever. But first, how do I get him to notice me?



-Seriously Crushing, 1982







Dear SC '82,



It's been my experience that guys, like monkeys, respond most to

irregular bouts of affection interspersed with being ignored

completely. It's okay to show him you're interested but then walk away

and do the pogo on your own. And it's possible he may never come around

but so what? Unrequited love is as old as the hills. It's also the

stuff of great art. Literature, film and music have all benefited from

the longing, unmet gaze of burning desire. Where would the world be

without Dante's The Divine Comedy, King Kong

and the blues? Ah, but this is, like, totally not helping you right

now, is it? It's been said that love not reciprocated can lead to

depression, anxiety, mood swings and stalking. But I say, all that

lovelorn torture builds character. So get 'em, girl! Keep rockin' that

side-ponytail and frosted pink lipstick and he'll either come around,

or you could be part of the next great American epic—like Monica

Lewinski!

Dear Holoholo Girl,

My boyfriend is constantly trying to get

me to have a threesome with him and one of my girlfriends—or really,

just any girl. I'm not opposed to the idea but going for my science

degree at UC Santa Cruz has me busy with schoolwork. Plus, I've failed

my first class—chemistry—not just once but three humiliating times. I

fear between my boyfriend's pressuring, my mom's bragging to her

friends about my impending "doctor" status, coinciding with my suddenly

discouraging scientific ineptitude, maybe I won't be able to please

everyone and this is disappointing to me. Plus, the chicks here don't

shave and I find that slightly unattractive, not to mention unsanitary.



-Scholastically Cracking, 1994







Dear SC '94,



While excessive partying and risque socializing in college is to be

expected, it sounds like you should be focusing more on the

experimenting in your chemistry lab and less in your personal

dysfunctional relationship. If he's trying to help you experience more

of life in a balance between the scholastic and the sensual, that's one

thing. But if he's withholding his love and support for his own selfish

gains while holding you back from your potential career, that's

entirely another. Besides, who the hell has a boyfriend while they're

going to college anyway? What the hell were you thinking??

Dear Holoholo Girl,

I finally have a job I love—hurray! But

while my mother has accepted the fact that I may not ever get married

or have children, I am deeply disturbed by this knowledge. What if

she's right? I am happily single, but everywhere I look, success seems

to be measured by how closely we achieve the (I believe) outdated

American Dream: career, marriage, house, kids, and obscure kitchen

utensils. Who says life can't be fulfilling without all that baggage?

- Single & Carefree (?), 2006







Dear SC '06,



I'm not sure what the question is here. But it sounds like YOU are

the one who needs to accept how your life is and that you have ultimate

control over the amount of happiness and "success" you achieve. And you

may find that the conditions for happiness change over time—but that's

okay. Maybe this year it's a Prada purse and a week barhopping in New

York City, next year it's a house in the country and a colored

bullterrier named "Rufus." Nobody, not even your mom, can ultimately

judge how fulfilling your life is to you.





Samantha Campos has a provocative

new line of Aldous Huxley-inspired underwear called Bare New World that

is a big hit on the runways in Saskatchewan. MTW