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Happy Holiday$!
Hanukkah: Dec. 16-23; Christmas: Dec. 25; Kwanzaa: Dec. 26-Jan. 1
December 21, 2006
[HOLIDAY] Less than a week to go before Christmas. You know what this means, people—it's time to dust off the 'ol pocketbook and spend, er, spread some Christmas cheer! Every one of us has people in our lives whom we love or think the world of. Every one of us feels—deep down—the desire to reward those who make our lives easier. And we all know there's only one way to do that—by spending gobs and gobs of hard-earned money on mass-produced gifts! Thank God we live in a capitalist society that allows us this golden opportunity. Imagine how unloved people must feel in parts of the world without Wal-Marts, Macy's, or Borders! Imagine, the one time of year you'd expect to be rewarded for your goodwill, passing without a single gift card or $800 PlayStation 4! No wonder terrorists hate America. They've never had the pleasure of playing Madden NFL on a 74-inch plasma while ingesting soothing third portions of delicious honey-baked ham! This holiday season celebrate the true nature of Christmas by rejoicing in your good fortune. Let your loved ones know you love them, one arbitrary gift at a time. You know it's the right thing to do. Because you're an American, not a filthy terrorist. [COREY NIELSEN]