July 11, 2012 | 07:40 AMCancer (June 21-July 22)
I have a powerful internal skeptic who maintains that astrology's all bullshit. I keep that unimaginative bore at bay with recurring evidence I uncover in real life, little tidbits that hold true much more often than not. For example, those who respond to my question with something like "I don't believe in astrology," are usually Aquarians—no one else bothers taking a stand on this issue. Likewise, I can usually guess the Cancers in a crowd (the girls are loud and pleasingly obnoxious, and the boys more quiet and shy). Thanks for demonstrating my astrological prowess, but I'd rather you prove me wrong. You're supposed to be the most changeable members of the zodiac. Trick me. This week, be whatever you want to be but never are.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Alright, Princess. Apparently your ivory tower, luxurious as it once seemed, is getting a little too constrictive for your tastes. The view's started to bore you, and no one's climbed your hair for ages, either. I bet you feel a little like a hermit crab who's outgrown his shell, and all the dubious pleasures it may have once provided. I doubt you're ready for the big, bad, world on your own just yet. Luckily, you don't need to be, as there's a much larger, lovelier, and more fulfilling palace to move into, just waiting to make you feel at home.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
At times this week you may feel like you're up the creek without a paddle. Trying to heave a clunky dinghy upstream without oars sucks ass. Hopefully, you won't mind, though; the scenery promises to be lovely, the weather balmy, and the water cool and refreshing. It could be fun to find a secluded cove somewhere, throw down anchor and just chill out for a while–instead of killing yourself making dubious progress. Crack some coconuts, spear some fish and play out your deserted island fantasies. Next week you'll discover your skiff's hidden motor and roar up to the source in no time at all.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Whenever you get that dreamy look on your face, you're lost to all practical considerations like keeping your job, pleasing your lover or taking out the trash. If you feel like rolling in the sunlit grass, that's exactly what you'll do. Is it the glorious summer heat? If not the gorgeous greenery and golden sunlight, what is it that's made your dreams suddenly so much more compelling than "real life"? Don't sweat trying to figure it out, though. Fortunately for you, it doesn't matter too much: if you live your dreams convincingly enough, they become real life.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
As a Scorpio, ruled by water, you're subject to great tides, cataclysmic changes, and responsible for great power to support life or wreak destruction. Ironically, the key to your stability and overall contentedness (no one alive is ever totally free from ups and downs) is flow. When water freezes into rigid ice, it can crack, splinter, and break. Ouch. When it's superheated (as you feel when consumed with jealousy or anger), it vaporizes and disperses. Only in liquid state is it at once completely flexible and vastly powerful. Isn't that how you'd like to be? So be that way: flow.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A friend of mine gave me the best advice I've heard in a while: Don't want something so bad you can't say no to it. It's too late for me. I've already deliciously surrendered to my desires. But I suspect I caught you just in time. Spare yourself. Go ahead and want what you want. Build elaborate fantasies involving it. But at the same time, practice saying no to it in your head. That way, should the need arise (you'll know if it has), you'll be able to do the same thing in real life.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If your true capabilities were physically manifest, you'd probably have eight arms, four legs, two heads and three different sets of genitalia. More like a Hindu god than a human being, it's no surprise you seem to occupy a different reality from the rest of us. I've ceased wondering why you sometimes seem a little nervous or high-strung. It's just the stress of trying to do everything you know you can, with only normal human attributes. Still, this week you're likely to accomplish more with a pair each of arms and legs, one head and one sex organ than even you thought possible.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You live in a bubble, completely absorbed by the jobs, duties, responsibilities, relationships, projects, tasks, and neuroses that comprise your life. Meanwhile, new people, opportunities, and obsessions are batting feebly at the plastic barrier, like moths fluttering against a lighted window. You probably haven't noticed them. Maybe you're happy in your unchanging, safe balloon. Fine: stop reading. As for the rest of you: it's time to slice open the side. Let those risky new elements in. Some of your long-term pet projects will escape, but I'm gambling you'll be so amused and excited by your new Fidos and Rovers you won't even notice.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You're just finishing a long, soothing bath, surrounded by candlelight and the exotic aromas of scented oils. You feel open, relaxed, and too vulnerable to emerge into the world outside, with its ringing phones, pressing engagements, and social obligations. I wish I could sew you a dress of flower petals and steel. Its smooth, velvety interior would help you carry some of this serenity into the chaos outside, while the sparkling hardness of its exterior would preserve your tenderness . The bad news is, in the physical world, such a garment would be completely impractical. The good news is, in the emotional one, it's completely possible. Imagine it, then put it on.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I don't like to compete with you. You're formidable. I'm not exactly scared of you, but you are a force to be reckoned with. I'd much rather go up against an Aquarius, or a Cancer—they can at least always be counted on to overthink things and screw up. You, on the other hand, have a reputation for succeeding against outrageous odds. This week, try messing up, at least once. Otherwise, you risk scaring off any kind of decent competition, and what fun would that be? You've got to have someone to defeat, after all, and it's better if it's not yourself.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When it comes to cooks, you've got those gourmet artists, who construct magnificent food sculptures and unveil plates as dramatically as heretofore-undiscovered Rodins. Their work is always gorgeous, usually delicious and rarely filling. Ma's home cooking occupies the second category. Sure, it doesn't look like much, but it tastes amazing and there's always more of it. Finally, there's my favorite type of cook: that mastermind who serves up a plate of fabulously beautiful, delectable food that you can't possibly finish. A week designed by either of the first two would be wonderful, but you're in for the kind of week created by Cook #3: one that tastes so good that you'll simultaneously beg for the bounty to stop and pray that it never ends.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I spotted a black widow spider in her lair. Swaddled by thousands of nearly invisible threads of web and the dangling husks of her many victims, she seemed the epitome of gothic elegance. I pointed out the beauty of her shiny black abdomen with its scarlet hourglass to the friends in whose home she resided. They freaked. I understand. You might flip out, too, when you discover the danger that's nearby. But just like the venomous arachnid, it's not as great a danger as it appears, especially now that you're aware of it. And by allowing it to stay close, you'll not only be privy to great beauty, but you might learn something about yourself, too.
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