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Ask that Loud Guy at the Bar

by By George Thrustgood

March 31, 2005

Dear Loud Guy at the Bar,



My husband and I have been happily married for six years, but I’m becoming concerned that he’s having an affair. He’s been more chipper than usual, there are strange numbers on our phone bill, he sometimes comes home with the scent of Paris by Yves Saint Laurent about him (I always wear Revlon’s Ciara Femme Fatale) and on two occasions I came home and found him having sex with a strange woman. I think I should confront him directly, but have no idea how to go about it. Please help.



-Suspicious in Seattle







Dear Suspicious,



Hey guys, look who’s here! Billyyyyyy! This is the guy I was telling you about! THIS GUY RIGHT HERE! THIS GUY! I’m talking about this guy! How long has it been? Damn, you look good, man! Come on over and have a drink with us! Come onnnn! Hey, remember the time when you and I went down to Tijuana and ended up hooking up with those two transvestite hookers? What? Oh, I guess it was another guy. It was something, though, I’LL TELLYOU THAT! So how you been, man? Here, let’s have a drink.







Dear Loud Guy at the Bar,



I’ve been trying to understand President George W. Bush’s plans for what he calls Social Security “reform,” but they’re just so complicated. He tells me that the trust fund is going bankrupt and needs radical changes, the Democrats say that it just needs minor tweaks and I have no idea who’s right. Now I have a lot of money invested in lead futures but I’ve always counted on some kind of Social Security to be there when I retire. Should I diversify now or just hold on?



-Worried in Waukesha







Dear Worried,



Let’s do shots! Whattya want, Jack? Patron? No, I know—Jager! BARTENDER! Two shots of Jager for me and my friend here! Damn, it’s good to see you! How long’s it been? Two days?! Well, hey buddy, you know me and short term memory! Like that time we got wasted in high school and went out and egged Mr. Stublonski’s house! What a jerk that guy was? DAMN, THAT WAS FUN! Say, where are those shots? Bartender! HEY, BARTENDER! I said two shots of Jager!







Dear Loud Guy at the Bar,



I’m in the market for a dual stage snowthrower. John Deere makes a couple of good models, but I really can’t decide what’s best for me. I really like the ST 1028 with the 10 horsepower Briggs & Stratton engine and reversible skid shoes, but the less powerful ST 0726 is a bit closer to my price range. Both will really move the snow once winter hits. The real problem is that my wife is totally against it. Every time I ask why, she just gives me this dirty look and walks away. How can I make her understand how important this is?



-Hassled in Honolulu







Dear Hassled,



This guy right here is the maaaaan! THAT’S RIGHT, PAL! Drink up! Might as well—it’s on your tab! HEY, JUST KIDDING! Hey, you know I was just messing with you earlier about your girlfriend being a fat pig, right? I was totally just messing with you! I mean, she could stand to lose a few pounds, but… hey, where ya goin? MTW