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Infrequently Asked Questions

by By George Thrustgood

April 14, 2005

Q: What is Maui Time Weekly’s address and phone number?







A: Why do you want to know that? Does someone at Maui Time Weekly owe you money? What difference does it make where we’re located? Look, pal—if this is about that deal that went down in Miami, I’ll tell you what I told the cops: that guy was asleep when I left him at 2 a.m. I have no idea how his car got pushed off that pier, or how he got hit over the head and tied to the steering wheel in the first place. Okay? So just lay off, if you know what’s good for you.







Q: How do I send free books, premiums, big event tickets, food and other valuables free of charge to Maui Time Weekly?







A: Maui Time Weekly’s mailing address is 658 Front St., #126A-7278, Lahaina, HI 96761.







Q: Are you guys, like, the best newspaper ever?







A: Why, yes. Yes we are. Thanks for noticing.







Q: What did I ever do without you guys?







A: I have no idea. Not a day goes by that we don’t ask ourselves the same question. “What did all these shmoes do without us way back when?” I asked just this morning. We all just stood there and shook our heads.







Q: Who was a better British Prime Minister—Benjamin Disraeli or William Gladstone?







A: Tough call. Both were excellent administrators for Queen Victoria, but Gladstone is probably the better of the two. Sure, Disraeli’s Factory Act and Climbing Boys Act made working life easier, but Gladstone brought about the secret ballot to protect voters, campaign spending limits and a broadening of voter rolls to including working class men. He even tried to get the government to accept Irish Home Rule, but that was a bit much to ask of Victorian Parliament. Plus, Gladstone got more tail.







Q: What should I do this weekend?







A: Hold on, let me ask Sam. “Hey Sam! Some guy wants to know what to do this weekend! Sam! Oh, she’s not here? Well, where the hell is she? Yes, this is important. What do you mean she got the day off? I don’t remember—oh wait, yes I do. Never mind.” Yeah, Sam’s not here. Why don’t you just consult our outstanding calendar section? It’s got everything—even resort shows! You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.







Q: Is journalism hard?







A: Hell no. I mean, if you’re honest and diligent about it, I suppose it can be pretty tough, but for many papers it’s just a matter of reprinting press releases. Their toughest call is making sure they have an equal number of grip-’n-grin photos (corporate exec shaking another corporate exec’s hand) and people-holding-novelty-sized-check photos (corporation donates money to local non-profit). And if you get stuck for stories, you just fall back on that old journalistic standby: If you don’t know, just make it up! MTW