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Holoholo%20Girl
Uncovering the Secrets of Connubial Bliss

May 05, 2005

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.E



- Claire Cloninger, author of When the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit and the Silver Spoon Is In Someone Else’s Mouth







I just don’t get the whole marriage thing. And as more time goes on, and innumerable friends and colleagues join the ranks of connubial bliss, I can’t escape the feeling that I somehow missed that gene of matrimonialability.



It’s not that I don’t want it one day. It’s just that I don’t know how it actually happens. I could never understand the process of meeting someone, falling in love and deciding you want to spend—in theory—the rest of your lives together. Isn’t it hard enough to make it through to the weekend?



Because I am so conjugally illiterate, I’ve decided to ask a few of my most happily married friends—and the least annoyingly happy—why and how they did it, and what they do to keep it going.



The couple I spend the most time with is T and J, who’ve been married for two years. They are a perfect balance of solidarity and individuality—devoid of any uncomfortable bickering or smothering affection—which makes them a joy to hang out with, even if you’re a decidedly partner-free—and well, sometimes bitter—gal like myself.



The first time they met, J insisted, “no sparks flew.” It wasn’t until years later when they started hanging out with mutual friends at a party, that T “strayed her away from the herd and got her half-naked.” T and J were then inseparable, hanging out, partying together and officially living in sin a mere six months later. T proposed after a year and a half.



“We were just going with the flow,” said J, “without trying to make any statements. Marriage was a sneaky surprise. And I couldn’t imagine living my life without him.”



“There’s a window to make stuff happen,” said T. “Or be stuck in limbo. The timing was right—we weren’t just kids fucking off.”



J said the greatest thing about marriage is she has the best companion ever. The worst? “He won’t take out the garbage.”



The most difficult part, T said, is “you have to pull your own weight around the house.



“If you’re single,” he said, “you can take out the trash whenever you want.”



But for T, the best thing about being married is “the little things. Like when we both say things at the same time.”



He insists their marriage works because they enjoy doing much of the same things. Like “making fun of other people,” for instance. And he tells young couples, “Don’t be kooky with your chick. Let her be her own person and do her own shit.”



While J advises future wives to “get your husband to sign a prenuptial contract to take the garbage out,” she also feels it’s important in a happy marriage that you “don’t sweat the small stuff.”



R and M agree. They met 16 years ago, and married after nine years of dating. At the time, R didn’t really believe in the institution, but married more for their family’s happiness than anything. Six years later, both are glad.



“I live with my best friend,” said R, and insists there is nothing hard about marriage—“not with M”—despite his inherent clumsiness.



“I respect him more than anything we’d fight about,” said R. “I love him more than I care about a vase.”  



 B and N married nearly 20 years ago. It was a second marriage for both. “I think people should get married three or four times,” said B. “The first time is just practice.”



They both admit that they are complete and total opposites, and don’t have the same interests or tastes in anything. B said this is what makes them interesting.



“Having too much in common is boring,” he said. “That was the biggest mistake in my first marriage.”



While they enjoy each other’s differences, N said they do share something that may be the secret to their long-term success.



“A lotta talking and a lotta laughing,” said N. “We talk everything out, all the time.”



B said the thing he appreciates most about his marriage is “the adventure of it”—taking risks, provoking one another to do things they wouldn’t normally do.



“Most people expect things to stay the same,” said B. “But you have to be able to adapt to constant change. And it’s important to reinvent yourself all the time.”







Congratulations, Chad and Carey!







Samantha Campos has never faked a kidnapping to get out of her wedding ceremony but once faked a wedding to get out of work. MTW