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Chris Isaak
A play in one act

by By Samantha Campos

October 19, 2006

SAMANTHA: Hey Krista, what do you know about Chris Isaak? I’ve got to write a story about him and I don’t know what to say.







KRISTA: Other than that one song that was on MTV with the hot model, nothing.







ANTHONY: I hated that black

and white video. He was trying too hard. He was always moaning and

really… how do I put this? It’s like, “Look at me, I’m sensitive! Look

at me, I’ve got a hot Asian chick I’m sleeping with!”





SAMANTHA: The girl in the video isn’t Asian.







ANTHONY: No, but I think in real life he had a hot Asian girlfriend.







SAMANTHA: How do you know that?







ANTHONY: Because years ago

a colleague of mine had a huge crush on him and then she saw him out in

public and he was casually dismissive and then she hated him.





JEN: Wasn’t he a one-hit wonder? I’m trying to remember the name but a Roxy Music song keeps coming to mind.







SAMANTHA: Actually, no.

He’s had a lot of hits. But everybody always just remembers that one

video on the beach. He even had, like, a TV show—I think it was called

The Chris Isaak Show or something.





ANTHONY: Was it on public access?







SAMANTHA: No! It was either

on cable or one of the major networks. It was a variety show, I

believe. I think I know quite a bit about him ‘cause he’s from the Bay

Area. And he’s funny. Oh, and I know he used to live with his mom.

 



ANTHONY: I used to live with my mom, too. But that was, like, over a decade ago.







SAMANTHA: Well, he was living with his mom as an adult when he was, uh…







ANTHONY: Overexposed?







SAMANTHA: Popular! But a big deal was made about it and how it made him such a humble guy.







ANTHONY: Yeah, that also repulsed me. It’s like, “Look at me, I’m humble! Look at me, I’m a superstar!”







SAMANTHA: It was a good song! It was called, “Wicked Game.” And he wasn’t moaning.







ANTHONY: That’s right, yes

it was. But it seemed to go on forever. It sounded like he was in pain.

I think it was his conscience—he knew he was a fraud.





SAMANTHA: Why do you despise him?







ANTHONY: Who said I despised him?







SAMANTHA: Whatever. I think he’s hot. And he’s multi-talented.







ANTHONY: Didn’t he make one

of those shows that came out about the moon landing where he played an

astronaut? I’m gonna look that up right now.





[Short pause while ANTHONY runs back to his office. Two minutes later he returns.]







ANTHONY: It was a mini series called From the Earth to the Moon, produced by Tom Hanks. I think it was on HBO. He played an astronaut. And he played a SWAT officer in the Silence of the Lambs.







SAMANTHA [ignoring ANTHONY as TOMMY walks in]: Tommy, you know anything about Chris Isaak?







TOMMY: I know a lot about

Chris Isaak! He’s a one-hit wonder. You know why I don’t like him? He

wears that little country boy tie thing.





SAMANTHA: You mean a bolero tie? You hate him because of a bolero tie? Everybody wore those back in the late ‘80s, early ‘90s.







TOMMY: How about the

pompadour? That cowboy vest? The chiseled manly good looks coming out

of someone so wimpy? And didn’t he do a bunch of crappy movie cameos?





ANTHONY: He was in Silence of the Lambs.







TOMMY: See?







SAMANTHA: That’s not a crappy movie.







TOMMY: No, but his cameo might’ve been.







SAMANTHA: Hey Joey, what do you know about Chris Isaak?







JOEY: I know he had that

hot girl from the Guess ads in that one video. And that his Showtime

show was mildly entertaining. It was supposed to be like a guys’

version of Sex and the City,

talking about dating and stuff, but anybody who knows anything about

guys knows that we’re not interested in talking about that stuff.





SAMANTHA: Maybe he’s sensitive.







JOEY: I think he just tries to play it off like he’s sensitive but he’s really a hound dog.







[BRAD walks in.]







BRAD: Who’s a hound dog?







JOEY: Chris Isaak.







BRAD: Oh, he’s awesome!

I’ve seen him a bunch of times. Back in the day, he wore a mirror-ball

suit—it was fucking awesome! He comes out, playing his guitar, and then

the lights shine on him. It was kind of his shtick. But he’s an awesome

performer, and a great guy. After one of his shows, he did a “meet and

greet” backstage, signing autographs and talking to people—he even gave

my wife a hug. And he’s hilarious, too.





WENDY: I like Chris Isaak,

too. He has such a unique, strong voice. I saw him once in L.A. at the

House of Blues. I have his autograph on a CD somewhere…





BRAD: He’s, like, the shit. And he’s in that last John Waters’ movie, A Dirty Shame. And he’s, like, the Bakersfield guy.







ANTHONY: No, he’s from Stockton.







SAMANTHA: How do YOU know that?







ANTHONY: I just looked him up.







SAMANTHA: Oh. I was born in Bakersfield, you know.







TOMMY: You were born in Bakersfield? You’ve never claimed that before!







BRAD: Nobody claims that!

Except for Buck Owens. But no, I mean Chris Isaak’s got that

Bakersfield sound. He plays that classic rockabilly thing. But he’s

done some bad movies, too, like Little Buddha. And I didn’t like his TV show. I just didn’t get it.







TOMMY: Hey, does anybody know if that one big church is doing their Halloween thing this year? MTW