I am calling about what you wrote
in the October 12 issue of your paper. You know, we’ve all been talking
about it in the office and we agree this is really bad. Why do you
write such filth? You know, children can read this. And it’s a free
publication. Why do you write about stuff like this in a free
publication on the street that children can read? You know, children
will pick this up and think it’s funny and it’s not funny. I am
disappointed that as a woman, you would do this. Why don’t you write
for a dirty magazine or something? I’ll bet you’re not a mother. Are
you a mother? Why can’t you write about something else? Not this… this…
smut! I hope I don’t have to read this kind of thing in the future in
your paper.
-Anonymous phone call received Friday, Oct. 13, regarding my column “Slippery When Wet!”
Dear Caller,
Since you hung up on me and gave me no chance for explanation—i.e. a
mutual discussion or clarification of something that removes
misunderstandings—or defense, and did not take my patient silence as
respectful accommodation, hear me now. I have thought much about what
you said.
My column is meant to provide readers with a look at the social life
of a single, educated woman on Maui. My hope is that sometimes it’s
funny, sometimes it’s insightful or that sometimes people can relate to
something I’m saying. Mostly, my hope is that it’s entertaining.
But the best thing about this column is that if you don’t think it’s
entertaining or insightful or funny, you can—as you said in your call
to our General Manager—wipe your ass with it when you use the toilet.
And you most definitely do not have to read it.
“As a woman,” I am proud to have this power and freedom to voice my
opinion, thoughts and feelings in this medium. And no, I’m not a
mother. But that doesn’t mean I eat children for breakfast. But I do
have faith in your good parenting. Is it misplaced?
First of all, I feel like if anybody’s reading anything these days,
it’s a good thing. Literacy, like knowledge, is power. And yes, this
column can be of an adult nature—that’s why it’s in the back of the
paper. But I also hope that parents, like you, will teach their
children right from wrong, and will help them to make appropriate
choices. There are many things kids can read, watch or Google for free.
But sheltering them, or harboring ignorance, is not the solution.
To be honest, writing this column hasn’t exactly been easy for me
either. Take my mom, for instance. When she first started reading my
stories, she was aghast that I remembered everything from my wild
1970’s upbringing when, clearly, she did not. Then she was horrified to
learn that I knew anything about Ben Wa Balls.
But when I wrote about my grandmother, Mom made me read it at her
farewell cocktail party, and when I wrote intimately about a bad past
relationship, she said she finally got its significance. At last, there
was an understanding between us. And it was probably the best
compliment I’ve ever received.
You know, I’m surprised by your comments; if anything, this
particular column about coital injuries was more anti-sex than smutty.
Basically I was saying, “Hey people, this kind of doom and destruction
can happen to you, too, should you decide to put the candle in the
pumpkin!” And somehow, I just don’t think Hustler has a huge need for an article on fractured penises. But thanks, anyway, for the encouragement.
Newsflash, Monday, Oct. 16:
I just found out that you merely read the first four words of my
column before making your “outraged” calls. Frankly, I’m disappointed.
Certainly, there are worse things to get riled up about than the words,
“chafed vagina.” Like, for example, global warming, the Bush
Administration, cancer and, of course, actually having a chafed vagina.
Samantha Campos dropped out of the
LPGA tour for a role as special agent Fox Mulder’s extraterrestrial
lover in an unaired episode of The X-Files. MTW