I am calling about what you wrote
in the October 12 issue of your paper. You know, weíve all been talking
about it in the office and we agree this is really bad. Why do you
write such filth? You know, children can read this. And itís a free
publication. Why do you write about stuff like this in a free
publication on the street that children can read? You know, children
will pick this up and think itís funny and itís not funny. I am
disappointed that as a woman, you would do this. Why donít you write
for a dirty magazine or something? Iíll bet youíre not a mother. Are
you a mother? Why canít you write about something else? Not thisÖ thisÖ
smut! I hope I donít have to read this kind of thing in the future in
-Anonymous phone call received Friday, Oct. 13, regarding my column ďSlippery When Wet!Ē
Since you hung up on me and gave me no chance for explanationói.e. a
mutual discussion or clarification of something that removes
misunderstandingsóor defense, and did not take my patient silence as
respectful accommodation, hear me now. I have thought much about what
My column is meant to provide readers with a look at the social life
of a single, educated woman on Maui. My hope is that sometimes itís
funny, sometimes itís insightful or that sometimes people can relate to
something Iím saying. Mostly, my hope is that itís entertaining.
But the best thing about this column is that if you donít think itís
entertaining or insightful or funny, you canóas you said in your call
to our General Managerówipe your ass with it when you use the toilet.
And you most definitely do not have to read it.
ďAs a woman,Ē I am proud to have this power and freedom to voice my
opinion, thoughts and feelings in this medium. And no, Iím not a
mother. But that doesnít mean I eat children for breakfast. But I do
have faith in your good parenting. Is it misplaced?
First of all, I feel like if anybodyís reading anything these days,
itís a good thing. Literacy, like knowledge, is power. And yes, this
column can be of an adult natureóthatís why itís in the back of the
paper. But I also hope that parents, like you, will teach their
children right from wrong, and will help them to make appropriate
choices. There are many things kids can read, watch or Google for free.
But sheltering them, or harboring ignorance, is not the solution.
To be honest, writing this column hasnít exactly been easy for me
either. Take my mom, for instance. When she first started reading my
stories, she was aghast that I remembered everything from my wild
1970ís upbringing when, clearly, she did not. Then she was horrified to
learn that I knew anything about Ben Wa Balls.
But when I wrote about my grandmother, Mom made me read it at her
farewell cocktail party, and when I wrote intimately about a bad past
relationship, she said she finally got its significance. At last, there
was an understanding between us. And it was probably the best
compliment Iíve ever received.
You know, Iím surprised by your comments; if anything, this
particular column about coital injuries was more anti-sex than smutty.
Basically I was saying, ďHey people, this kind of doom and destruction
can happen to you, too, should you decide to put the candle in the
pumpkin!Ē And somehow, I just donít think Hustler has a huge need for an article on fractured penises. But thanks, anyway, for the encouragement.
Newsflash, Monday, Oct. 16:
I just found out that you merely read the first four words of my
column before making your ďoutragedĒ calls. Frankly, Iím disappointed.
Certainly, there are worse things to get riled up about than the words,
ďchafed vagina.Ē Like, for example, global warming, the Bush
Administration, cancer and, of course, actually having a chafed vagina.
Samantha Campos dropped out of the
LPGA tour for a role as special agent Fox Mulderís extraterrestrial
lover in an unaired episode of The X-Files. MTW