This week the reality show I’m From Rolling Stone began airing on
MTV. This shocked us, as it was eerily similar to our own reality show
that we were just weeks away from debuting. Here’s the pilot episode of
the true story—True Story!—of six interns picked to work at our edgy
newsweekly and have their lives taped to find out what happens when
journalists stop being polite and start getting real…
JOOLEE, a former Hustler centerfold/born-again virgin from Alabama, is the first to arrive. She opens the door to the bustling office of Maui Time Weekly’s
sales department, where she encounters Advertising Executive BRAD
picking his teeth with a pocket machete, while Advertising Coordinator
KRISTA practices aerobic office yoga.
Hi y’all! WOW—so this is what a real live newsroom looks like?! Awesome!
(Cut to JOOLEE’s confessional narrative.)
I was shocked. The place looked like an
adult daycare center for insane people. Whaddy’all call that? A mental
institutionalism? Whatever it is, it’s definitely the work of Satan.
I’ll have to pray for these people…
(Cut back to office. ALEX, a closeted gay
Republican/Ivy League quarterback, enters, along with Publisher TOMMY,
who has a circus poodle perched on each shoulder.)
Hi there! Welcome to Maui Time! You wanna see my new Star Wars iPod toilet roll dispenser?
(Cut to ALEX’s confessional.)
I think Brad is, like, totally hot. But I’m not ready to talk about my sexuality yet. Maybe I’ll just grab Joolee’s ass for now.
(Cut back to office, where ALEX and JOOLEE
begin making out, and DWAYNEEKWA, a feminist lesbian post-op
transsexual/hip-hop DJ, walks in.)
What the f*#$?!
(Takes her blindfold off.) Oh, you must
be the new interns. They’re expecting you over in the editorial
department. C’mon, I’ll show you where it is.
(KRISTA leads the three interns down a
dark hallway and three flights of stairs under the ground floor. They
then take an elevator down another level, and KRISTA hands the interns
Just follow the ropes to the second door on the left. Anthony and Sam are in there now.
(The interns do as instructed, along the
way bumping into HANK, a Calvin Klein model-turned-actor/singer for
emo-punk band, Sparrows without Providence.)
What the f*#$?! I ain’t no dude, motherf*#$er! Damn!
(Cut to inside of Editor ANTHONY’s office.
Seated on the couch are Associate Editor SAM, MAGDALENE, a wealthy
socialite/cocaine-and-Hoodia-lollipop addicted nymphomaniac, and gNO!,
a rebellious poet laureate/former pet photographer/alcoholic.)
Well, judging from your anti-organic, eco-goddess, bio-farm clips, gNo!, you show the most promise here…
(Enter DWAYNEEKWA and JOOLEE.)
Hey, y’all! We seemed to have lost Hank and Alex somewhere but I’m Joolee and this is Dwaa-nekaka—
It’s Dway-NEE-kwa, you oppressive white bitch. Damn!
Yes, Dwa-nik-wanda. So is this where we do all the news reporty stuff?
Um, we’re gonna start you off doing some
very important research for an expose on caffeine and biochemical
addictions—you can start by bringing me a double cappuccino and a
couple o’ blue pills from across the street.
Yeah, Madge here is all over that.
Shut up, you donkey lover! And go get my bags.
Ooh, I’ll get them for you, sweetheart.
Hey, I thought we were supposed to be real journalists, you know? Like, doing real journalist-type stuff?
Oh yeah, see… (grimmacing slightly) we
don’t do that here. Or at least not young ragamuffins like yourselves.
Where’d young Robert Frost go?
Right here, boss.
Outstanding. See that stack of government transportation reports over there?
You mean these over here? You want me to read them?
No, dimwit. I want you to photocopy them.
But they come up to my knee.
(mocking) Ooooh, they come up to my knee. Three copies! I want three copies!
No way! I’m a poet laureate, dude! Who died and made you editor?
Okay, that’s it! I’ve had it with you!
(ANTHONY vaults over his desk and tackles
gNO!. They begin wrestling in the middle of the office. SAM and the
rest of the interns stand around awkwardly, alternately staring at the
ground and each other. After a few moments DWAYNEEKWA begins
Stay tuned next week when we’ll hear Anthony say…
You idiot! I wanted these photocopies double-sided!
I’m From Rolling Stone airs on MTV Sundays 8 p.m. MTW