Source: Maui Time, Maui News, Best of Maui, Maui Activities

Holoholo%20Girl
I Would Like to Thank… Me!

March 01, 2007





I really enjoy awards shows. The ridiculous red carpet mania, the

thank you speeches, the loser-cam spans to the audience—I truly love it

all. But I missed the this year’s 79th annual Academy Awards and I feel

like an asshole about it. So, to compensate, I am devising my own

ceremony, hereby deemed “The First Annual Sammy Awards.” Below are some

fine movies that really didn’t get any damn recognition anyway so

here’s my affectionate little two-finger salute to the Academy.





BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A ROLE WHERE SHE HAS TO PLAY AN ADULT

EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ONLY, LIKE, 12 AND HAS TO PRETEND SHE REALLY, REALLY

WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THE UNATTRACTIVE, WAAAY OLDER (HE’S, LIKE, 30!) GUY

ABOUT TO CHEAT ON HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND

Rachel Bilson, “The Last Kiss”







BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR SO HOT YOU REALLY DON’T CARE HOW WEIRD OR DEPRESSING THE MOVIE IS



Gael Garcia Bernal,“The Science of Sleep”







BEST DOCUMENTARY EXPLORING THE CULTURAL RELEVANCE OF HUMANITY AS A

WHOLE WHILE ALSO EXPLAINING THE FUCKEDUPETRY OF AMERICANS IN GENERAL

Tie: “F**k” and “Beerfest”







BEST DIRECTOR WHO WILL MOST LIKELY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEAR OR AT THE VERY LEAST WILL NEVER MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE AGAIN



Kirby Dick, “This Film is Not Yet Rated”







BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM THAT SHOULD REALLY HAVE SUBTITLES BUT IT

DOESN’T ‘CAUSE IT’S, LIKE, ALL OHHH… LOOK AT US… WE SPEAK THE ORIGINAL

ENGLISH LANGUAGE OR WHATEVER—STILL, IT’S A VERY GOOD FILM

“Kinky Boots,” UK







BEST UNORIGINAL SCREENPLAY BUT A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR PEOPLE TO GET

TOGETHER SO THEY CAN BREAK UP IN PUBLIC AND OOPS, HEY, WE JUST PROMOTED

OUR OWN MOVIE!

“The Break-Up”







BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM THAT MAKES YOU WANNA STICK A FORK IN YOUR

EYE IF YOU HEAR “KISS/HEARTBREAK HOTEL” ONE MORE TIME… OR EVEN JUST ONE

TIME, REALLY

“Happy Feet”







BEST SCORE AND ART DIRECTION



“Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man”







BEST LACK OF COSTUME DESIGN… HEH HEH



“The Notorious Bettie Page”







BEST MAKEUP/VISUAL EFFECTS FOR MAKING DANNY DEVITO ACTUALLY SEEM

LIKE THE MOST VIABLE REASON FOR PARKER POSEY TO FINALLY HAVE AN

ORGASM—POOR THING

“The OH in Ohio”







HONORARY AWARD



Yeah, Parker Posey. Definitely.







Samantha Campos may or may not be doing unmentionable things in Las Vegas on her birthday this weekend. MTW