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by Jacob Shafer

January 15, 2009

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7

So the 111th United States Congress convened yesterday with much to discuss, but over in the Senate something was missing. Or rather someone. Well, really two someones. The Junior Senators from Minnesota and Illinois were MIA, for different but equally headline-grabbing reasons. In Illinois, there’s that little scandal you may have heard about. Roland Burris, the man appointed to fill Obama’s seat by Rod “I’ve got this thing and it’s f#$%ing golden” Blagojevich, attempted to join his colleagues in the Capitol but—in a nice bit of political theater—was turned away, in the rain no less. Burris may be a decent chap, and while I don’t believe racism played a role in his being snubbed the fact that he’d be the only African American Senator is significant, but that guilt-by-association thing’s tough to get past. Meanwhile, in the North Star State, former SNL cast-member Al Franken (he’s good enough, he’s smart enough…) has ridden a protracted recount to a slim 200-some-odd vote lead. Predictably, the Republican incumbent, Norm Coleman, has brought a legal challenge, despite the fact that he called for Franken to step aside after the initial tally put Coleman up by a similarly small margin. (Nothing like politics to induce selective short term memory loss.) Both stories will be worth following, but the real question is: how’s the Senate going to manage with only 98 members? I think Jon Stewart put it best when he posed this rhetorical nugget on The Daily Show: “Do we even have enough senators to not get stuff done?”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8

Big day for followers of the Superferry saga, as the state Department of Transportation released the much anticipated draft Environmental Impact Statement. The Superferry camp was the first to pounce, landing an e-mail in my inbox before I’d even had a chance to track down the document. The gist of the e-mail: even though they’re “in the process of reviewing the draft,” based on the summary at the beginning everything is pretty much hunky dory and they’ve dealt with or are dealing with all those pesky issues like transporting invasive species and developing in culturally sensitive areas and running into whales and whatnot (paraphrasing of course). “We remain committed to working with the state to address impacts raised by the draft EIS,” the statement concluded. Great, sounds good. Again though, and not to belabor the point—isn’t that what you should have done before you launched the boat? (Those who wish to slog through the 1,200-page report can find it online at hawaii.gov/dot/harbors.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9

I’d scarcely had time to absorb the news that everything’s great with the Superferry when I received word from the ACLU that, despite rulings in other states that it’s a clear violation of constitutionally protected privacy, Hawaii’s plan to start randomly drug-testing teachers is still alive. Huh. I guess good things do come in pairs. (Should I insert a sarcasm alert here? I’m never sure.)… Speaking of things that come in pairs: today we found out which part of Blagojevich is bigger than his hair. After the Illinois state House voted 114-1 in favor of impeachment proceedings, the Governor reiterated his innocence, which is what you’d expect. But here’s the good part: he blamed the vote on political payback motivated by the fact that he has “done things to fight for families.” Yes, you heard that right—114 congresspeople from the great state of Illinois want to remove their chief executive from office because he fought for families. That pronouncement came at a press conference (termed “extraordinary” by the AP) where Blagojevich was flanked by—and I am not making this up—an organ transplant recipient and a guy in a wheelchair. A freakin’ wheelchair. This man—and let’s remember, he was caught on tape trying to sell a seat in the United States Senate—is smuggling a pair of basketballs in his Fruit of Looms. 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10

Seriously, those things must have their own gravitational pull.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11

Interesting story in today’s Maui News about the selection of Bob Nakasone’s successor. Nakasone, for those new to the issue, died shortly after being reelected in November. Per state law, Dems gave Gov. Lingle a list of three names from which to choose a replacement. Lingle invited public comment and said she’d give the matter her full attention, due diligence, etc. Here’s the interesting part: a full two weeks after getting the list, it seems Lingle has only contacted one of the people on it, Wailuku attorney Gil Keith-Agaran. According to the Maui News piece, Keith-Agaran said the Guv’s people told him they were “having some difficulty finding contact information for the other two candidates.” Hmmm. Let me grab the phone book and see what I can find. Yep, there’s Lance Holter. Looks like Kehau Filimoe’atu isn’t listed, but she does serve on the Maui County General Plan Advisory Committee, so she’s not in hiding. For the Governor to have not made at least one phone call to all three contenders is bad enough, but for her to cry ignorance as to how to get in touch with them is  downright bizarre. 

MONDAY, JANUARY 12

Here’s a candidate for least surprising headline of the week, courtesy of the Honolulu Star-Bulletin: “Lawmakers idling on cutting pay raises.” Seems the state legislature is having second thoughts about nixing a 36 percent raise it gave itself effective January 1. When news of the raise hit a few months ago, Speaker of the House Calvin Say first defended it, citing the soaring cost of living. As the heat grew more intense, Say reversed course and said congress should consider not taking the money. Well, you know that bit about actions and words. Now lawmakers are arguing that giving up their larger paychecks may be “unconstitutional.” If that’s true, we might need a Con Con after all… In other news: I spoke with Lance Holter this afternoon, and he said that even after faxing his contact info to the Governor’s office, he still hasn’t gotten a call. Unbelievable.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 13

I will make you a promise: this is the absolute last time I’m going to mention Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Plumber, because he’s already gotten way more attention than he could possibly deserve in 10 lifetimes. But I can’t let this one pass. The man whose 15 minutes are being timed on a broken watch has made a pronouncement: no more media coverage of wars. Ever. Journalists, says Joe, “don’t know the whole story” and therefore “have no business in it.” (Also, there was this chestnut, quoted on CNN.com: “war is hell.” Wow, thanks Joe, now I totally get it.) Wurzelbacher made his no-more-media-coverage-of-wars proclamation while covering the war in Gaza for pjtv.com, which is apparently some sort of right wing news outlet. So maybe he just meant no more war coverage by legitimate media. All right Joe, I’m gonna make this simple for you: you are a puppet. A pawn. A patsy. A punchline. You were cynically used by a desperate politician trying to revive his flagging campaign, then discarded. The only thing more nonexistent than your credentials is your credibility. You’re not even a licensed plumber fer chrissake, and your name isn’t even Joe. Of course, I really shouldn’t be angry at “Joe” so much as the culture that created him and elevated him to quasi-celebrity status. But naw, I’m just mad at Joe. Shut up and go away. OK, I’m done. MTW