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by Chuck Shepherd

September 03, 2009

AND GOOFY’S AN ASTROPHYSICIST

Donald Duck may be a lovable icon of comic mishap to American youngsters, but in Germany, he is wise and complicated and retains followers well past their childhoods. Using licensed Disney storyline and art, the legendary translator Erika Fuchs created an erudite Donald, who often “quotes from German literature, speaks in grammatically complex sentences, and is prone to philosophical musings,” according to a May Wall Street Journal dispatch. Though Donald and Uncle Scrooge (“Dagoberto”) speak in a lofty richness, nephews Tick, Trick and Track use the slang of youth. Recently in Stuttgart, academics gathered for the 32nd annual convention of the “German Organization for Non-Commercial Followers of Pure Donaldism,” with presentations on such topics as Duckburg’s solar system.

TOE MEANS TOE

The preferred “disciplinary” tactic of Tampa, Fla., high school assistant principal Olayinka Alege, 28, is to have underperforming students remove a shoe so he can “pop” their toes. Five students at King High School complained, triggering a sheriff's office investigation, but Alege was cleared, and indeed, the students admit that the popping is painless (though “weird,” said some). One apparently incorrigible student said his toes had been popped 20 times. However, the principal recently ordered Alege to stop.

TEMPTING FAITH

Chicago banker George Michael, seeking to avoid $80,000 a year in property taxes, decided to call his $3 million mansion a “church” and apply for tax exemption as pastor. In July 2008, his application was somehow preliminarily approved by the Illinois Department of Revenue. According to a Chicago Tribune report, the application included a photograph of the “church,” which was just a shot of an outer wall of Michael’s house with a large cross on it, except that the cross was later discovered to have been merely placed on the photograph in marker pen. In July 2009, a state administrative law judge finally reversed the earlier approval.

GOOD ECONOMIC SIGN

Carole Bohanan was hired among 300 applicants by the Wookey Hole tourist facility in Somerset, England, in July to be its witch-in-residence, at a pro-rated annual salary of the equivalent of about $83,000. The witch’s job is to linger in the caves full-time during tourist season, looking like a hag and cackling.

BAD ECONOMIC SIGN

A 36-year-old woman pleaded guilty to prostitution in Oklahoma City in June, for giving oral sex to a Frito-Lay employee in exchange for a case of chips.

GRAVE ME A SPACE

Neighborhoods near the Wimbledon tennis tournament in suburban London are typically clogged in June, as visitors scramble for parking space. This year, nearby St. Mary’s Church sold parking for 20 pounds a day (about $33), even though the space offered was directly above gravesites in the church’s cemetery.

WOW…JUST…WOW

According to prosecutors in Britain’s Preston Crown Court in July, Christopher Monks, 24, wanted two things (based on transcribed Internet chat room dialogue): his parents killed and his penis bitten off. As the Internet is fertile ground for communities of sexual aberrants, Monks easily found a man, Shaun Skarnes, 19, who was searching to accommodate someone on the latter desire and who allegedly agreed to kill Monks’s parents in exchange. However, Skarnes botched the killings, and Monks manhood is still intact. MTW